Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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