I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
