just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
