I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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