I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
