i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
