we're chasing vodka with high fives
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
