I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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