Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
