Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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