Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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