i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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