i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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