I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
As shirtless as possible
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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