Whod you bang
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
