Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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