just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
