my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
