She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
