I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
