I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
