you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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