I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What drink are we having for lunch?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
