Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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