Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Mom said you looked used
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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