omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
