I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
