Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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