you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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