If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
