Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
