I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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