he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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