I just gift wrapped bread.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
its liver damage thursday
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize