The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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