he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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