I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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