I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
