Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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