ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
