I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
