he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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