I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
