can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
