you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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