My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
