dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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