my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
