I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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