Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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