What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
