I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
