This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize