god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
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