things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
