how can u be prego again
operation harelip BJ is a go
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
