She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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