Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
