She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
