i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
