I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
