She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
